I was far from any place I could call home, in a land of beauty and tranquillity – but in my mind I was suffering, suffering from strong overwhelming feelings of loneliness, melon collie, restlessness, depression and no sense of purpose. Drifting in and out of these feeling escalated into negative actions involving drinking, smoking and excessive sleeping. I recoiled into a solitude surrounded with these unhealthy patterns. In all this fog of negativity – energy arose and guided me to salvation, a voice tired of these re-occurring cycles of self inflicted sufferings. I found myself at Wat Rampoeng. A Buddhist temple in the hills of Chaingmai/North Thailand. I stayed here for 28 days turning my back on all my past patterns of delusion and intoxications of mind. I was through with this life – the pains, the heart ache, the anger, the confusion, the fears, the wounds that just would not heal. The space between birth and death had felt very personal but really in contained the same delusion of fears and desires and complications that we all feel. Tired of this play ground of life I turned to the path of purity.

I dressed in white and under strict monastic regulations and simple guidance through meditation from a teacher overflowing with inspiration and compassion; I started the task of detangling the knot of delusions that were nestled in my mind. I soon found a permanent liberation from suffering.

Vipassana meditation means Vi –{clearly} passana {to see}. From day 1 to 28 I practiced this form of meditation – each day my determination and concentration getting stronger – building from 8 hours meditation to 9,10,11 up to 14 hours. The instructions were simple – walking meditation for one hour followed one hour mindfully sitting watching body and breath, then walk, sit, walk, and sit from 4am till 10pm, day in, day out continuously mindful. This process is equally simple and challenging. Spending 24/7 looking at the mind and its nature takes courage and endurance but soon into this routine fruition rewarded me with insight into the true nature of reality. Everything I acknowledged, felt, experienced could be characterized as impermanent, unsatisfactory and non-self {not me} – these are the three marks of existence that are in everything.

This piece of work documents the last 3 days of my meditation retreat. I was instructed to go to my room and meditate in solitary conditions for 3 days and 3 nights without pausing for sleep. This Process is called DETERMINATION. I documented each meditation, walking, sitting, walking, sitting which roughly changes every hour over a period of 70 hours and 3 meals. I experienced all feelings good and bad fluctuating from positive determination to doubt, tiredness and anger. By night 2 after 50 hours meditation, my mind flickered on the fine lines of insanity, the mental strain and endurance arose a madness within me – I faced my mind and all its fears, doubts, failures, and dark sides – by day 3 at 10:16am I reached a state of mind stream where  I found liberation and  inner peace. My mind became so concentrated and purified that I arrived at a total understanding – my restless yearnings stilled. In Buddhism, when you have overcome all fear of sickness and death and your heart is open to all beings – then you are liberated. I found liberation inbetween tiredness and madness where I let go to all that I grasped.

With the insights gained through Vipasanna – a knowing certainty that there is no fixed self arises. Insight, wisdom and truth penetrates. Nibbana can be realized and a feeling of weightlessness but grounded resides within. 

Buddha’s teachings are based on the understanding of the way things are. Things come and go and change, nothing can be depended on as being totally stable. When my mind started to calm and stopped going out to every thought or feeling knocking at my sense doors, I began to see how life is only a single breath, it is momentary changing every second – a process in constant flux of arising and depending on external conditions. I saw things arise in my mind and if I didn’t acknowledge them quick enough they would explode creating feelings in response to the thoughts like sadness, loneliness, anger etc…

The truth of reality and why we suffer is due to our attachment to conventions – I am a woman, sister, daughter, medic, artist, photographer, healer, teacher, etc… if I cling to all these labels that I have at some part of my life been {past}, then with such ignorance I risk becoming bound and limited to them. This is the truth to anything we attach ourselves to – if we grasp it we suffer when it slips through our fingers into impermanence. If we see things as is – accept all feelings and things as good/bad/neutral without trying to grasp or control them– we are free from suffering. The self does not exist as a fixed entity - abandon attachment to its conventions and achieve liberation. All we are is a cloud of sensations and processes.

Through VipassanaI started to purify and detangle my mind and reached insight.  The wisdom gained has little vocabulary to explain in this world what I would like too – I can only try to communicate through this documentation the true benefits and freedom that Vipassana meditation can lead anybody who is willing to try to. I reached  levels of liberation and understanding in 28 days. For anyone whose karma has lead them to this residue documentation of my experience – if you hold interest in finding an end to suffering or Buddhist meditation and would like any information on what, where, how, who? Then do not hesitate to contact me.

“Before Enlightenment, chopping wood, sweeping leaves

After Enlightenment, chopping wood, sweeping leaves”